Five by Five

[kitsap_charles]

First I'll follow the meme, then later I'll post a more comprehensive update...

Five things that 2002 taught me:

• I am not disposable.
• I am worthy of love.
• Help sometimes comes from unexpected quarters.
• When passion meets passion in equal measure, anything is possible.
• There is still music in my soul.

Five personally significant events of 2002:

• Deciding suicide was too much trouble for the payoff.
• Applying for, and receiving, a retraining grant.
• Going back to school.
• Ending my partnership with angilong
• Thanksgiving, and the blissful weeks following.

Five Six things I want to do in 2003:

• Get out of this place and into a space where I can begin to heal.
• Rediscover my true strength and inner power.
• Get a job.
• Finish school.
• Get a real job.
• Rejoin Handfast with my chosen family, and marry my beloved.

Five things I don't want to do in 2003:

• Hear a potential employer say, "You're technically qualified, but we don't have nearly as many positions open as we told you we did during your interview, so we picked the people we thought would "fit well with our team".
  In other words, you're a misfit; go away.
• Hear the second most passionate woman I've ever met say, "I don't have the time or energy for you, not even as "just friends".
• Hear my lifepartner say, "We're not partners any longer, but we can still be housemates and co-parents."
• Not long afterward, hear my former lifepartner say, "No, that's not going to work for my new partner, who has issues about sharing space with you... so I'm filing for divorce and how soon can you be moved out?"
  Note that the new partner has never told me what those issues are, or how I might have been able to address them...
• Hear a desireable potential play-friend say, "Oh, you're angilong's husband? There's no way I'd even touch you, she's toxic and I don't need the drama."

Five people who I'd like to know better in 2003:

• riverheart (Duh.)
• jenkitty (Also duh.)
• technoshaman (Continuing the duh list; these are my chosen family, and getting to know each other better will be our lifelong task.)
• aladriana
• arctic_tundra

Comments

[riverheart.livejournal.com]

As far as the things you don't want to experience in 2003:
* Hear my lifepartner say, "We're not partners any longer, but we can still be housemates and co-parents."
* Not long afterward, hear my former lifepartner say, "No, that's not going to work for my new partner, who has issues about sharing space with you... so I'm filing for divorce and how soon can you be moved out?"

I think it is certain that you will NOT hear these things in 2003.

And while I've had people turn me down as a play-partner because I was Bob's wife and they thought *he* was toxic (and were right), I am no longer Bob's wife...and nobody ever turned him down for being my husband. So you won't hear that sort of thing (I hope!) in 2003, either.

Yule is past. The light returns, slowly. New life is hidden in the cold, hard-packed ground, waiting for spring's call. The light returns. The green will return...and so may it be in your own life, my beloved fiance.

[aladriana.livejournal.com]

*grin* Finally, someone wants to know me *lol* I'm hoping for great things for you this year. You do deserve them. You've tried so hard, and the world has given you some tough breaks and turns. It's time for you to be happy and healthy for a while.

(I'd settle for happy, healthy is never going to come my way). ***hugs***

I don't know you....

[(Anonymous)]

I stumble in and just wanted to wish you well. I went through a period where I was laid off from three consecutive jobs, and it was very difficult. I hope that 2003 will be a good year for you.

[mathochist.livejournal.com]

Not long afterward, hear my former lifepartner say, "No, that's not going to work for my new partner, who has issues about sharing space with you... so I'm filing for divorce and how soon can you be moved out?"

That's a very warped version of what happened, and you know it. And I don't appreciate having it portrayed that way.

Hear a desireable potential play-friend say, "Oh, you're angilong's husband? There's no way I'd even touch you, she's toxic and I don't need the drama."

And that, as you know, turned out to be a misunderstanding, and the person in question says she likes me quite well, especially now that she's actually *met* me.


You know you would have been welcome to stay here a few more months (especially if you would have started doing your share of the housework and such again), but I'm glad you've found a place for now where you think you'll be happier than you were here. And I'm sorry if the end of our relationship was what it had to take, but I'm glad that it looks like you're finally moving toward being happier and healthier.

Hmmmm....

[(Anonymous)]

Given the way you've been warping the posted version of what happened in recent past (never mind your warpage of ancient history), I must say, I'm terribly amused to see this comment from you, Angi.

Re: Hmmmm....

[mathochist.livejournal.com]

Who is this?

I don't believe I've been warping anything. If you think I have a warped view of something, I'd appreciate it if you'd address that with me directly.

Re: Hmmmm....

[(Anonymous)]

Of *course* you don't believe you've warped anything. You didn't believe you warped anything in your ever-so-public statements about any of your exes. You never do anything wrong, do you?

You're a leech, a mosquito, a vampire. You somehow manage to convince people that you're a decent person, despite the preponderance of evidence to the contrary, just long enough to get them to let down their guard, and let you get close... then you sink your fangs and claws in and start draining them of everything they have that can be of any use to you. When they start to try to struggle free, you sink those claws in deeper, manipulate, twist, justify, lie, and rip chunks out of them. And when they *finally* get loose of you, you cut your own throat, turn to the audience in horror and pain and declare to the world that *they* have done this to you. Oh, evil, vile, mean, and deceitful ex-lover!, you cry. How could they do this to you?! Oh, poor Angi, cries the audience.

Who is this? Just another one of your many fans... one who has watched how you treat those people you call "important" in your life, the ones you claim to "love". Watched long enough to see the pattern emerge.

Happy New Year Charles

[pondside.livejournal.com]

It's a good thing that you're staying around -- we've got a date for some rhythmic stuff in our future. My music needs your drumming!!

Hugs

[fiestyfionna.livejournal.com]

Charles,

I have been absent from LJ for a while, but Rita has been keeping me informed of what has been going on in your life! GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!! I am so glad to hear about the positive changes in your life. Angi was/is toxic as hell. You needed rid of her daily involvment in your life. I knew you would find happiness eventually, and it sounds like you have been given a hefty dose!

:)
Fionna

[luvlyrita.livejournal.com]

charles, where are you?

rita, up all night, depressed and sick as hell

[kitsap_charles]

Since early this year I've been staying with friends. My computer's hosed, so I only have access from the library at the college I'm attending, which means I'm only able to read email, check LJ, etc. during weekdays when I'm not in class.

I know you're going through a hard, hard time right now, my dear. Please know that you are ever in my thoughts, as well as those of my family (riverheart, jenkitty, and technoshaman). I'm glad you're back with fiestyfionna; she's good for you, and cares very much for you as well.

I don't have much by way of advice-- others have said everything I could say, and said it better. Just know that whatever you choose, I'm confident you will pull through stronger and better and happier for it.

Kisses, hugs, and more...

[luvlyrita.livejournal.com]

charles, thank you for thinking of me...
i miss our chats